Out of my Head
by icanfly0
Summary: "In that moment I felt very much like Death itself, hidden in the body of a young man..." Short ficlet in Godric's POV as he makes the decision to turn Eric.


-Out of my Head-

When you do something for too long, it starts to consume you. A total, eclipsing consumption that weighs on you, pulls you down until there is nothing else left. An obsession, maybe. A lifestyle, more likely. The farther in you go, the harder it becomes to crawl out and rejoin reality. For some, there is no return. Those souls have not been as lucky as I.

Somehow I had managed to overcome. That seems to be all I have been doing since I ensured my own escape. Escape from hell, from madness, from sudden death...Actually, the last one can be argued. I am dead, but I still walk, I still talk, I still think. Now, I think that it is time to _really_ start living.

I had walked this earth alone for so long I had lost interest in counting the years. I knew I had not made it far, because I truly had no desire to live, to explore, or to experience. My only hope was my last will to survive. I did not want to die like this, _truly_ die, and I knew it was possible. Even though I am tough, built like an inhuman machine to ward off disease, starvation, and even dismemberment, I know it is possible for me to come to an end. I watched it happen, in fact, I caused it to happen myself.

It was more or less an experiment, a challenge if you will. Although I had my intentions, and I will admit that they were not the best, I was curious to see what would happen. If I would even succeed. If I did, my future safety would be guaranteed, or so I thought at the time. If I should fail, then my life was truly on the line. I had not wished death upon anyone before, not until I myself was staring it straight in the face. Death had been unkindly to me, unjust in its cruel, slow methods. When I knew I was at my end, even I could not have wished for my own death more. It was pale, haunting...I had never felt more vulnerable. I somehow managed to believe that it was my own fault, that if I had just stayed out of the way, if I had obeyed, then this would not have happened to me. A more logical part of me says that there was nothing I could have done to stop it, nor is there now so why is there any point in worrying about it?

I had had quite a lot to think about, being alone. I lived in my own head for so long, picking apart my own brain and rationalizing myself. It nearly drove me crazy. I guess, that is putting it rather lightly.

Now I had yet another decision to make, yet this one was much larger than left or right, stop or continue, thrive or perish. I had a choice on my hands, and I did not think it was my choice to make. I watched him as he lay dying, the same magnificent creature I had seen slay many brutal men on the battlefield only moments before. The grace in which he carried himself was something I envied, something I craved. If I could teach him things, maybe he would gratefully return the favor. For the first time in a long time, when I approached, a human did not show signs of fright. He did not jump, flinch, shout, or even eye me with caution. He seemed to respect my presence, as I did his. I knew I was cheating a little, with him already being so close to death, but I had decided early on in the evening that I had wanted him for myself. It would be a shame to see such glorious power go to waste. I will never be able to forget the way in which he reacted to me. He asked if I was Death. I told him yes. In that moment I felt very much like Death itself, hidden in the body of a young man. I had already known, without asking that life was what he valued most. So here I was, Death asking the man if he wanted to live. Although I could not promise him the life he might have chosen for himself, I was still offering something worth sharing. Something that I myself would eventually come to cherish, as I had not been able to before. I was only glad he had accepted my offer, because if asked, I may have trouble admitting that I would have wanted him for myself anyways. I would have cheated death for Eric, regardless. I had been living in my own head for much too long to suffer the consequences.


End file.
